What would happen if.... (6/27 edition)

....Elvis had a telephone instead of a TV nearby when he shot out the screen? I've thought about that at work. Unfortunately, shooting the phone doesn't convey the anger toward the person on the other line, if you haven't answered it yet and shoot it while it's ringing.

It's often suggested one wash his hands after peeing. I've always considered that it would be more beneficial to wash your hands BEFORE going....at least from a guy-at-a-urinal perspective. Where are there more likely to be germs? On my hands, touching everything on my desk over the course of the day and stuff? Or on my urine-removal-organ, which has remained in my clean undies over the course of the day, unfazed since showering? Now I grant you, if you tinkle on yourself a bit, that DEFINITELY needs to be washed off your hands. But I think the germ path is more likely going to be hand-to-penis rather than penis-to-hand. (Fine, slow thought week, shoot me.)

If margarine is such a recent invention, why did they decide to name it something so similar-sounding to marjoram, the herb?

When I was 17 I had a blind date for ice cream with a girl who was described as a junior in high school. Or so I thought.....she was in *junior high school*. Okay, everyone, have a good laugh. Nothing came close to happening in a Ben & Jerry's scoop shop anyway.

I mowed the lawn for the first time last night. My wife's old mower had one of those power-assist things to help it get moving. That broke last year, and so she whined that the yard was too hilly for her to push, and so she insisted on getting a riding mower. Of course, if you open a new Home Depot credit account, you can get 10% off. So I was "forced" to open an account and get a two thousand dollar lawn tractor. Which I refuse to learn how to use. I use her $20-floor-model-clearance-from-KMart mower. I don't care if it takes me an hour longer than it takes Erika. I'd prefer to have that extra two grand to pay for more important stuff. Plus, it's fun to use the pool to wash the sweat off afterwards.

I think a good trade-off, in the absence of an umpire, is "no called strikes" for "no walks or hit-by-pitches". Especially at wiffle ball.

Money experts claim that you shouldn't take a loan against your 401(k) account because you pay double taxes on the money. Technically, you only pay double taxes on the interest, because the principal of the loan is really tax-free income while you've got it.

What's the world's record for stretching mozzarella cheese off a pizza, anyway? Is this measured for the Guinness book?

There's a "cigarette discount store" across the street from here, and one time I saw the proprietor go outside for a smoke break. Now, I'm anti-smoking at least as much as the next guy, but of all the places that it probably should be allowed to smoke in public, a cigarette store would seem to be okay in my book.